Thursday, August 21, 2008

Why I Did Get Married...

In a previous blog, I pondered the question, "Why Did I Get Married?" I said because I maybe wanted to be a player again, or marriage was out of obligation. Then I asked, "well if you are going to have a wedding, vow to be with the person in sickness and in health, and then years later want to leave them, WHY THE HELL GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE?" Now a few months later, I have been through an experience that has helped me to answer said question from before. Why Did I Get Married? Simple, because the woman I married is the woman I knew I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Point blank. Nothing else. Granted, throughout the marriage we all feel that it's getting too hard to maintain, or use "I don't want to be married anymore, I don't think I love you anymore," as an excuse to want some imaginary "freedom" from the tyranny of being with one person for the rest of your life.

In speaking with several married couples who have been together for 10 or more years, they have all told me the same thing: "Every couple goes through a period when they either wish they weren't married anymore, don't want to be married anymore, or feel they don't love their spouse anymore. But you learn to deal with that, knowing it's just a temporary effect because you miss the single life, having been tied down for a few years and you get tired. But marriage is a job, and if it were easy, everyone would do it, and the divorce rate would not be as high as it is now." Interesting. We, as young married couples, feel we are missing out on something in life when we settle down with one person, wanting to go and find a "bigger and better" thing after a while. But that's not what marriage is about. It's about commitment, a promise to God that is sacred and viewed by HIM as such.

It is not something to be taken for granted and then after you feel you have had enough you want to end it and move on to the next, thinking he will deliver, once again, to you the man or woman of your dreams. If you spit in his face, metaphorically, why would expect him to bless you again? You didn't take care of the first gift he gave you. So you must at least try to figure out and work at taking care of what he has in store for you. IF you pray for your mate to do what they should and for your marriage to get better, because things aren't going as you planned, he will make it happen. But you must remember HE works in his own way. He sometimes interjects with situations that challenge you, he takes you through a storm, so you can be better and stronger afterwards. HE wants his presence to be felt when he moves, so you can better appreciate it afterwards and know he is truly in charge. But if you refuse to take the challenge, what are you saying about God and your prayers? That you don't believe he can do it all? That you're giving up on God? This is not how you should approach marriage.

As I said before, most couples are geared up for the "Wedding" and don't realize that after all the glitz and glamour of flower throwing, bridesmaids, and cake cutting, the real marriage now begins. That was just the "orientation," if you will, now the employer expects you to now do what they hired you to do. What you said you would do. However, we get to a point where we are tired and don't want to try anymore and decide to just quit. Yet we don't take into consideration what the other person is going through and what they are putting them through. Our generation has become content with being labeled as "failures" when times get rough. We don't want to work through our problems, instead just shut everything and everybody out, forget about it and move on like it never existed just to please our own selfishness.

I got married for the long haul. I took every vow I said seriously. "In sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do us part, keeping only to him/her." So I'm expected and dedicated to holding down my part. Now if the marriage is so bad, are we supposed to ignore that and deal with it? Depends, is the guilty one willing to make an effort to change? If so, then yes we should. Our parents went through much worse in their marriages and most of them are still together to this day. The couples who have been together 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years did not quit when times got hard. And after all that time, I am sure they felt some form of resentment towards each other, but they still worked it out. Some got married for the wrong reasons, and sometimes it wasn't for love, but they worked at it and made it happen.

When we get married we need to realize for it to truly work, there must be open communication between the couple and not everyone else. They must be willing and able to speak to each other about what ever problems they are having with each other. It is through this communication that a marriage will work. How can you expect someone to change if you won't tell them what problem you have with them? How can you expect your mate to be what you would like them to be if you never tell them what that is? How can you expect for your spouse to love and respect you if you aren't taking the time to do the same?

I got married because I was and am willing to take that challenge. The challenges that are expected in a marriage. Granted, I, like many others, went through a selfish phase where I felt I didn't want this. We think there may be something better out there, and second guess what we have done. In Tyler's movie he referred to the 80/20 rule. You only get 80% of what you need. The other 20% is expendable. We think we can get that 20% elsewhere and for a while it seems like it will do. But in the end you realize 20% is definitely not sufficient and you miss having that 80. Marriage is by no means going to be all "roses" all the time. God challenges married couples and put them through trials and tribulations, so that they can get closer, stay closer, get and stay closer to him, realize how important they are to each other and in the end make them that much stronger. Scarred hands heal best.

Marriage is meant to be a lifetime, but if after a few years of problems you are ready to throw in the towel, how can you ever expect to be committed to anything else in life? Jobs are stressful, life is stressful. So do you just quit every job that challenges you? Do you just commit suicide because life has gotten too hard? A Godly person would not.

Bottom Line: Love, Commitment, and a Partner for life, is Why I Did Get married. So before you decide to take the job, research the job description and be sure you are ready and able to do the work.


Ursula Kelly said...

Very well put. I'm really thinking....but excited about the challenge!

hunterlead said...

Interesting blog. I have to say that I agree with you about thefact that marriage is work. I believe that some of us get caught up in the hype of marriage, or the fantasy....which ever you choose. If we approach marriage the way we approach most of the choices me make in life, we may find that the divorce rate will drop....."What the hell does he mean by that?" you ask. Well, I think we take the responsibilities of marriage too lightly going in. If we were going to buy a car, we would ask the dealer all kinds of questions: What kind of milage, what grade of fuel, how much do I have to put down, what trade in value should I expect in two years, and so on and so on. I'm not meaning to trivialize marriage, it's just that we spend so much time asking questions about everything else in life, why not ask about one of the most important commitments in life. For me, it's a one time thing. For God it may not be....He's in control, but for me and my thinking, it's once. Perhaps that's why I have to fight till the end. Another point you touched on was that of communication. I used to say that communication was important, and now I say that listening is important....not just hearing, but listening. True communication is listening with your hearts, and caring enough to make the necessary changes to aid in the comfort of the one you love. It's not going to be easy just because you listen, but over time, you learn to listen so well, that you don't always have to talk. True love is being unselfish.....I'm still learning that, but I am learning none the less.
Big ups to all who are still in the FIGHT.