To Dress or Not To Dress...

Hello mild mannered friends,

Earlier this month I was privied to attend the wedding of my uncle in my hometown of Orangeburg, SC. This was to be the wedding of the month, the most illustrious occasion the Garden City had seen all month. However, this expected extravagant affair, was turned into a ghettofabulous event. The outfits were striking, ghettorgeous, mag...well you get the picture. With camera in hand I began to document what would be the greatest segment of Hot Ghetto Mess to date. The participants were decked out in matching silk short sets with sneakers, backless dresses that exposed the ever so decorated and artistic talents of that great ghetto artist "Catball 'chicken' Pox." The artist's handy work was displayed all on the open backs of several young ladies. Picasso could not have sketched a better sequence of black spots and scars from childhood past. Mid drifts that showed the talents of Sir Stretch Marx, a great exhibitionist during the prenatal days. An array of gold teeth that far surpassed the decorations of stain glass windows and gleaming chandeliers. What an event. Then came the reception. Oh, did they loosen up there. Children decked out in the latest playground gear. White, soiled t shirts with the ever so loose neckline, gym shorts, and white socks with the graffiti from some historic playground. Girls who decided their high class gear was far to good to wear to a "reception," changed into boy short ensembles that showed their butt cheeks and high thigh scars. The gentlemen dressed it up with basketball jerseys, and flip flops.

Ladies and Gentlemen they managed to turn this high class affair into a decked in all white, old fashioned, cookout.

Another example: I was watching Wayne Brady's "Don't Forget The Lyrics." Now this is not a game show where you need to be on your best dressed behavior, however, knowing that millions may be watching you at any given time, may prompt you to make sure you are not a candidate for the ghetto hall of fame. I digress, there was a young man, who happened to be black, that was competing on the child edition of the show. One of his back ups was a friend of his, who, by the way, seemed too old to be hanging out with an 11 year old. The young man had on a nice button up shirt, tie, jeans, and sneakers. This was all fine until he stood up and revealed that his shirt was not tucked in. It was just hanging there. So, I ask, what was the purpose of the tie? Boys II Men kind of started the whole jeans, dress shirt, tie combo, but they did tuck it in. Which left me to believe that the kid was a slow dresser and the producers of the show refused to wait five seconds while the kid tucked his shirt in.

Then there was the adoption event I went to recently. It was a formal affair attended by local celebrities and potentates ( I guess I spelled that right), candles, fine dining, and music by a popular Latin jazz band. Wonderful...until...in walked a brother decked down to the bone in a red suit, with matching red hat, two pairs of red sunglasses, red now and later gators and a red "Flash" (yes the superhero) t-shirt. And to top it off he was about 30 minutes late. He entered during the acceptance speech of one of the honorees, having to pass directly between the path of the speaker and the audience. WOW! How we maintained is beyond me. Needless to say he was the buffoon of the evening, appropriately taking pictures with the white folks there who thought they only saw this kind of thing on BET.

Well today I would like to discuss the fashion statements that we, more so Blacks (African Americans, Negroes, Afro Americans), choose to make at events that require a more suttle approach.

As a gentleman of fine habertachery...haberdatchery...haber...Clothing, I would like to give you the don'ts of casual and formal affairs:

1. Just because you throw on a pair of slacks and dress shoes, does not mean you are dressed up. If you decided to throw on a thermal shirt on top of that, you just defeated the purpose.

2. As shocked as some of you may be (this should have been number 1), Dickies, although they come in sets, are not formal wear! I repeat Dickies are not formal wear. Not even the all black or all white ones. It's something about that little red tag on the shirt and pants that read "Dickies" that make this outfit not so formal. No matter what shoes you put on with them. Not to mention the hard creases that make it look like you just took them off the hanger. And just because you have on dress shoes, does not mean you are formal. Especially when you are wearing a silk short set, cowboy hat and sunglasses. There is a reason the Nation of Islam does not have muslim short sets.

3. A reception, though it may turn ghetto after the cake is cut, does not mean it is a cookout. Your kids should have on, at least, a nice polo shirt, khakis, and maybe sneakers. All of which can be brought at your local walmart for under $20. They should not look like you swung by the playground or pool to pick them up on your way there. Now they are dancing with the wedding party in dirty white fruit of the loom shirts, shorts, ashy legs covered by brown socks that use to be white, now exposing their big toe and no shoes. Now they have all the attention of the reception because they know the latest dance and are in the middle of the dance floor showing off for you, who by the way is shouting, "Go Nay Nay!"

4. Speaking of which, Fruit of the Loom, Hanes, etc., although widely known, are not famous designers that should be the focal point of your outfit. They are called undergarments for a reason. So unless you are one of the fashion models being paid to advertise at one of their events, we don't need to see them. And that goes for Flash as well as any other superhero attire.

5. Basketball jerseys, shorts and sneakers are made for just that, BASKETBALL! Enough said.

6. Ladies, if your breast look like your are toting your two offspring on your shoulders, then you need to keep them covered. I know it is hard to find a good bra for humongous breasts, (note: Jill Scott released the butterfly bra for you on June 1), still we can see you are blessed with them covered up. Believe me, men will still take notice. With them out you risk turning a well organized formal event into Dollar Bill's version of the Mulan Rouge. Risking complete nipple exposure and the possibility of knocking out your dance partner.

7. Socks are not the new loafers! Enough Said!

8. Alert! Guess, Tommy, Polo, FUBU (if you still dare), Perry Ellis, Dolce and Gabana, Sean John, and even Rocawear, all make suits! Just because you paid a lot for your shirt and jeans, does not mean it is considered formal attire. No, a $175 Ed Hardy shirt, $95 Rocawear jeans, and Tims, does not make you look dressed up. Just stupid! P.S. And throwing a gold or platinum chain over it doesn't help either.

9. Crocs, although very comfortable, are not dress shoes. And neither are the knock offs in walmart and the chinese store.

10. A dress, normally, goes to at least the knees, and should fit. Just because it was in your closet, and you are proud of your body, does not mean everyone else is. Wear a dress that fits and doesn't make your back look like butt cheeks. Or one that you can leap to get the bouquet in and not reveal that you also thought g strings were appropriate outside the strip club and bedroom.

Well those are some key points to remember when attempting to dress casual or formal. Remember a nice shirt that dons the designer's name on the inside tag (people who are use to things don't have to show everybody they are wearing a expensive designer, and real designers keep their names on tags), pants not made of denim or by Dickie, Shoes that cover the foot and have a hard bottom with a shine, may not make you stand out, but then again, sometimes that's a good thing.

Dress Well.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Outfits should color match. Only Rainbow Brite got away with wearing multiple colors, and you see how long her show lasted.

2. Gold teeth are a sign of tooth decay, not wealth.

3. Excessive jewelry only makes you a target. It does not accentuate your outfit.

4. Bright colored weave? No, it does not make you a trendsetter, just an upsetter. It does not have to match your clothes.

5. Durags are not proper head attire. Just sleep wear.